On Being Me
I've been gone for a while. Longer than the span between the last couple of posts indicates. In my absence, I haven't been walking in the park or having a day at the beach. No, no. I've been on a gut-wrenching, soul-searching, heart-breaking journey.
And I'm not sure how to say the rest, except to come out with it:
I am gay.
As The Day Is Long. Not as a handbag full of rainbows. Or a two dollar bill. But gay, nonetheless.
It feels like I spent the last thirty years legitimizing all the things about me that didn't feel normal. And now I feel like myself.
It feels like I spent the last thirty years trapped. And now I'm free.
It feels like I spent the last thirty years holding my breath. And now I've exhaled.
I have always prided myself on having excellent gaydar. Turns out that's crap since my own sexuality managed to get past me. That and ... did you know Richard Simmons is gay?
But seriously. I never felt like I was living a lie or in the closet; I just thought I was weird. And different. And sad. And lonely. And incomplete. I haven't spent my entire existence feeling those things; this blog is a testament to that. But when left to it, when I set aside all the qualities that I project for others to see - my humor and compassion and confidence - what was left in my basket was the weird and the different and the perpetual "what is wrong with me?"
Truth is, nothing is wrong with me. I just didn't know who I was. As soon as I figured it out, I shared. And it has sucked. Sucked like a $600 Dyson for all involved. But I couldn't desert me. Or knowingly live a lie. So I chose me. And that part hasn't sucked. Even a little bit. For probably the first time in my life, I've done something for me. I've been true to me. I know who I am.
It's strange to depart from my typical material, but I thought I ought to set the stage for the future of Kately Days. You can expect the same mediocre anecdotes penned by the same highly functioning natural blonde. Now she just understands why she's always liked Indigo Girls and women's basketball and boobs so much.
Coming soon: Managing a Ten-Month Old with a Spray Bottle & Loving a Chick Who Isn't My Mom or Sister
9 comments:
Sending my love and a big hug
Wishing you and those you love the very best.
love you and so proud of you!
So long story made short: I'm Ross & kgfrazier (other commenter) is my wonderful mom & Randi is my gorgeous sister. So I added your blog to my google-reader account a long time ago after they mentioned your blog..
Long story made even shorter: I'm passing the title of "stalker" to my other family members.... ;)
So.
I haven't ever commented, but felt the need to do so on this post. Guess because before now, we didn't have much in common except our sense of humor! ;) hahaha but....well, I, too, am gay. Couldn't be prouder, actually, & I stand tall everyday knowing I'm exactly who I am...and that is not at all in small part from all the loving support I've received from my family and friends, including my mom & sister! I hope you have this amazing luxury, as well, and if not at the current moment, then i hope that it will shine in future times.
I know your situation with Merritt and your husband is much more evolved and involved than mine, so i may not be able to empathize beyond a certain degree, but I wish you the best and would like tooffer you any support i possibly can!
Many hugs :)
- Ross
www.rossfrazier.org
So, apparently, if you need an extra family mine will adopt you. Or kinda already did.
Sending lots of love and positive, healing energy your way. xo
Well, I still think you are cool, and amazing, and good for you for doing what you need to do. Hugs to you, and still waiting for a playdate!
Uh, hey.
I suppose I should thank you for coming out, since it's really worked to my advantage.
So, thanks!
I love you and am so happy that you are finding yourself and what will make you happy. And I'm excited to see more posts so I can be with you from afar!
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