On being Us: The Toilet Chapter

Okay, fine. We take our phones to the bathroom with us. Everywhere, really. It's just that the water closet is no exception. And we text. Even when we can hear each other. See each other. Even when we're carrying on a regular conversation with our mouths. Even when we're pooping. Especially when we're pooping.

Nature called the other day. I answered. And Erin texted.

Her: Welcome to the toilet.

Me: Is this a training guide to the toilet?

Her: Perhaps this is your first time here. Or maybe you're just visiting after a long hiatus. Either way, we're here to make this as pleasant an experience as possible. To your right you'll notice some paper in a roll, hanging from the wall.

Me: Noted.  

Her: Do not--I repeat DO NOT--attempt to use this until you're sure you're completely done with your voiding.

Me: "Voiding." Can't breathe.  

(Seriously, at this point I'm laughing so hard I'm neither breathing nor ... voiding.)

Her: You might feel like you need to push. Don't. This should come naturally.  If it doesn't, pushing will only hurt you more.

(She can hear me gasping now.  I can not stop laughing.)

Her: Breathing is key to this process.

Me: Ummm, you are awesome. (Because eloquence is my gift.)

Her: It might help to do some ankle rolls if you think you'll be seated for a while. This may help keep your legs from falling asleep, and may also aid in preventing blood clots from forming.

(Now I'm wailing.)

Her: Embolisms are no laughing matter.

(She hears me tinkle.)

Her: You've reached the final pee. This is the most important part of the experience.  Wipe until the toilet paper is completely clean. Then flush.

(I've finally got my wits about me and am taking a picture of the contents of the toilet AND SENDING THEM as I receive the following text.)

Her: Do not ask people to look at your poop. No one wants to see it. That's gross.

(The picture arrives.  Perfectly timed.)

Her: Crucial: Close the lid before flushing. Otherwise you will be assaulted by a plume of fecal material. Mount St. Helen's style. 


Next chapter: How To Incite Irrational Anger Over Using Celery And Breadcrumbs In A Tuna Noodle Casserole Where The Recipe Called For - wait for it - Celery And Breadcrumbs.

It's good to be Us.