better

I forgot how to do this.

I just watched the blinking cursor for five minutes. Well, not the entire five minutes. I dug around for bats in the cave. Then I made fun of Erin for having a folder on the desktop named "Dupes," short for duplicates, of course. Not duplexes. Or duperies. But then I stared at the blinking cursor some more.

Truth is, I can't really explain why I haven't come back around. It's been almost a year since my world came crashing down. And over eight months since I began the coming out process and complimentary bulldozing of my life as I once knew it. While there has been ample Kately Days fodder (getting stuck by a rogue needle in a waiting room at Urgent Care (which has since been coined "that one time I got AIDS"), riding to IKEA with one arm of a couch, Erin experiencing The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Australia, Gone With the Wind, and Beaches with an ugly crier (this guy), Merritt learning to say "uh-oh," etc.), I can't seem to bring myself to write about it. In fact, I still owe the world wide web a tutorial on how to properly take Erin to the dentist.

It bothers me that I can't explain it. The lack of writing desire. Not the eighteen steps to properly taking Erin to the dentist.

Maybe it's because I used to write in an effort to only show the funny, charming, idiosyncratic aspects of a life that didn't feel quite normal, hoping that what I displayed could convince me (and everyone else) it was okay. Better than okay, even. And I did a pretty bang-up job of it. And I had a good life.

It's hard to believe that now, a divorce and a custody arrangement and several lost friends later, it's a better life. But it is. It's better because I'm me and I'm not hiding. It's better because I will never have to lie to Merritt about who I am. It's better because I've met my match and there. aren't. words.

Maybe because it is better, I no longer have to write to prove it.

But I might try and get back to it -or some version of it- anyway. Because I miss it. And maybe it could be better now, too.