hardball

Dear All Major League Baseball Teams,

I'm thrilled to write this letter of recommendation on behalf of my dear friend Joseph McCarthy. No, not that Joseph McCarthy.

THIS one:
























Originally, I planned to just send this to the Boston Red Sox but realized after Joey traveled to Sioux City, Iowa for some independent ball this summer ... that he'd probably play for just about anyone.
No offense, Explos.

So as a ball player, Joey's a total tool. Or - eh - he's got some tools? All the tools. Five tools? A power tool. Recently, a scout appraised his tools and determined that he's at or below average when it comes to: hitting for power, hitting for average, running speed, arm strength, and defense. You may not think this is a big deal, but what you need to understand is that he's at or below average for a MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER: and he's NOT one. That is incredible. Do you guys have such thing as an "At-Or-Below Average Five-Tool Player" ...?
If not, allow me to introduce you.

I was a huge fan of Joey's collegiate career. I wanted to make a game-day shirt that said, "#26 on the Field, #3 in my heart," but when I did the math it didn't add up, and being "#9 in my heart" didn't seem quite as awesome. Also, I needed to floss, and that took precedence.
All them damn sunflower seeds, I tell you what.

There are a few of Joey's amazing stats I think you should be aware of.

First: ABs. You should see this boy with his shirt off. I only thought baseball pants were as good as it got. ... But once I heard a dude
(A DUDE!) mention that Joey is in possession of the body of a Greek God. I'm not sure how Bill Willis knew that, but he was preaching the Grecian truth. OPA!

Second: Es. He gets tons of these and I know that it must be because E stands for effort. You'd be lucky to have a guy with this much E on your team. Enough said.

Third: DDs. If you aren't sold on Joey, check out his girlfriend's rack. Seriously. Perhaps you've heard of her before. Tits Magee ringing any bells? If there was a tool for chests, and Joey could use her as a pinch-chester ... you'd be signing him to every team. Yesterday.

You have plenty of reasons to consider letting ol' Joey warm your bench or at least be your bat boy. He's not juicing; no 'roid rage or scandals there. I can promise he's not in it for the money - so no worries about strikes. He tells good stories about golden apples and hats full of pennies. He gives good hugs and saves old cleats and jock-straps for kids. He's solid.

And I'd sure love to see him in some major league pants.

Sincerely,

Katie "Owwwwwwwwwwwwooouuuu" Nipper