A little story

For months, I've had off-and-on pain in my right breasticle.


A week before Christmas, that pain intensified.


As did my self-checks.


And my Google searches for Arrested Development GIFs labeled "Say Goodbye To These!"


I found a lump.


I monitored it.


I made Erin monitor it.


I constantly wandered topless into the living room or the bathroom or wherever she was, fingers pinpointing it, hoping she'd tell me she couldn't feel it, or that I was crazy, or that it was gone.


I showered with it at 3 am.


I fretted over it.


I waited "through a cycle" to see if it would disappear.


It didn't.


I made an appointment.


I let two strangers totally get to, like, second base with me.


They decided I needed a mammogram.


I made that appointment.


I dreamed I had a double mastectomy. And all my shirts fit better.


The Breast Center was like a weird spa. Harp music. Everything decorated in pink. Cozy robes kept in a warmer.


The whole "spa" vibe disappeared when I let another stranger stick my boobs in a pancake machine. Eight different times.


The radiologist wanted an ultrasound after reading the mammogram.


And I figured, "What's letting another stranger squirt jelly all over my lady pillow and then sliding a probe all around it?"


She felt the lump. She probed it. She took a lot of pictures.


And I just kept looking at the ultrasound screen thinking it was strange to not see a baby up there. Strange that a baby wasn't growing in my breast.


Then I just laid there and waited.


Then I got the results.



And my boobs are fine, if not a little fibrocystic. There's a lump there, but it's not cancer. This could have ended differently. This could have ended how it did for my grandmother, and countless friends, and friends' relatives. And I know now, more than ever, that early detection is the key. So I'm begging you, lady friends, to feel yourselves up, or find someone to do it for you. But get to know your tracts of land. Pay attention so you never have to flash someone and declare, "Say goodbye to these!"