It was pretty much the most awful thing I've ever put in my mouth.

I hope I'm not giving too much away by the title.

I've finally processed and healed and grieved enough to be able to talk about a meal I prepared back in August 2012.

Mock Tuna Salad. Those three little words held so much hope and promise for this vegetarian. The kind of hope and promise that led me to hold off on making this recipe the moment I found it and instead marinate in the thought of it for a few days. Mouth fantasies and whatnot. And then gather the perfect ingredients. And then leave myself a note on the refrigerator that said "Soak nuts and seeds tonight or regret it forever."

Yep. Nuts and seeds masquerading as fish. This can't possibly go wrong.

Spoiler alert: I soaked the nuts and seeds that night AND will probably live to regret it forever.

I took special care to dice the celery and purple onion and red pepper. Merritt sensed the excitement and got in on the action. We pulled the skins off the soaked almonds and loaded it all into the food processor. I should have taken note of the look of concern on Merritt's face: it might have spared me some disappointment.

My mouth is watering just thinking about all of this. THAT'S how dumb this recipe is. Because it's fooling me again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, oh-god-it-tastes-like-bland-wet-nuts-with-celery-and-bitter-bitter-bitter-tahini-make-it-stop-it's-not-tuna-it's-terrible.

No, seriously. It was awful. And calling it MOCK Tuna Salad is mocking my intelligence and my taste buds. Imagine someone tells you they're taking you to Disneyland. And you love Disneyland. And you get there and the only ride is an old riding lawn mower seat that is not attached to anything. THAT is what this mock tuna salad tasted like. Lawn mower seat and lies and defeat and celery.